Tabuu Wrap-up: Consent is the one thing that makes sexual encounters sexier, healthier, and more pleasurable. It’s sexy as hell!
Consent is a must when it comes to healthy, satisfying, pleasurable, and happy sex. There’s nothing else like it. However, many people think asking permission for everything slows things down. May I kiss you? Can I do this? What about that? Am I allowed?
Asking these questions can feel weird and awkward, so we worry about putting a damper on the night’s promise and excitement. Some people take the stance where they know no means no, so they think: how is it not okay to make sure they just don’t say no? I mean, as long as they don’t say no, it’s okay. Right?
No, that’s not how consent works. If you want to have steamy and incredibly pleasurable sex, you want to get clear and enthusiastic consent. Not to mention communication will allow you to have a smoother and better experience as well. Consent turns something that’s already good into something better, so let’s learn a little bit more about it!
Learn to Identify Consent
What Consent Isn’t
Consent is not the absence of the word “no”. Just because someone’s not saying “no” or just because they’ve given you a reluctant answer because you’re being pushy or coercive doesn’t mean they’re providing consent. Consent is also not one-sided. So, if both parties are not saying yes, it’s not consent. Consent is also not an unbreakable contract. If someone says yes and then they change their mind, they’re allowed to change their mind.
What Consent Is
Consent happens continually. That means that partners who are consenting to a sexual encounter are constantly expressing their needs, desires, limits, and expectations. Consent evolves as the relationship grows and as the trust in one another becomes stronger. Consent is about navigating the available options, choosing the ones you want to try, and doing so in the most satisfying way possible. If it sounds complex it’s because it is! However, this type of discussion is something you should look forward to because it allows you to get your freak on more freely than ever.
Consent Makes Sex Better
Before you get into anything, you need to have consent. Here’s how you can do that:
There’s no way around is: partners need to communicate with each other! I don’t know where people get the idea that talking is not sexy. Well, I kinda do. We’re conditioned by movies, TV shows, and magazines to believe that being quiet is sexier. Somehow, speaking up about something spoils the mood or breaks the rhythm of things. And don’t even get me started about asking permission… Talk about putting the breaks on a wonderfully spontaneous moment.
But that’s not how it goes. Talking is not this scary, mood-breaking, ball-busting activity. It’s actually the opposite. If you want your sex to be mind-blowing and you truly want to connect with your partner, you must talk about what you like, what you want, and what your limits are.
If you don’t talk about these things and if you both don’t consent to whatever you want to happen, you won’t have a good time. If you don’t know what your partner likes and vice versa, there’s no way you can work towards pleasing each other. No one can read anyone’s mind, that should be easy enough to understand.
Talking about sex and what you want in bed is not bad. In fact, if done right, it can be extremely sexy and it can create amazing expectations. Not to mention it’s super practical! If you’re worried about spoiling the moment, let me just say that, in my experience, asking questions such as “I’d love to suck your balls now. May I?” has never ruined the evening.
Look for the “Yes”
Asking is a great way to start, but it’s only half of the job. The other half is respecting the answer you get. You should always hope for a “yes”, but when you get a “no”, you need to respect that. What you want to do is look for the yes. Aim for it! Collect them, too. Get as many as you can throughout the night and you will have done it right. Give your partner every opportunity to say yes and they won’t be on guard, which will make things a lot easier and natural.
Of course, a huge part of consent means you need to let go of your own expectations at some point. When you notice the plan you had in mind doesn’t fit the plan your partner has in mind, you need to be able to adjust. Being stubborn won’t help you here. If anything will pull the breaks on your sexual encounter, it will be stubbornness and the reluctance of letting go of what you want. Compromise and find the middle ground!
Respect the “No”
Like I said before when you get a “no”, you must respect that. Setting boundaries and limits is a big part of consent, even if that’s not all there is to it. But once the lines are drawn, they’re set and you need to understand that. No cajoling, no coercing, only respect.
If you want to build a healthy relationship with your sexual partners, whether they’re casual or long-term, you want to create a space together where you’re comfortable saying both yes and no. Consent is not about getting our partners to do what we want, it’s about finding the middle ground where you’re both happy and fulfilled.
Learn from Your Experience
One thing you must understand right from the get-go is that communication is not just about asking for permission. Try to learn from each experience and take the opportunity to discuss more than just consent. Talk about your fantasies, the things you want in bed, the way you experience pleasure, etc. Connect with each other by talking about what you like and what you don’t like, so you can find the perfect middle ground to have a ton of fun together.
Consent may sound like a lot of work. There’s a lot of talking and a lot of negotiation involved, but it’s worth every second. When you no longer have to guess what your partner wants or what you’re allowed to do, you’re taking a huge load off your shoulders. Which is precisely what makes consent so sexy! When you have it, things will only get better from then on. If you want to have a healthy, happy, exciting, pleasurable, and fulfilling sexual relationship, this is what it takes!