Tabuu Wrap-up: Expressing your desire to be submissive to your partner can be a challenge because you don’t know what to expect. But it can be rewarding!
You’ve spent a lot of time doing your research, thinking things through, and listening to yourself. Finally, you’ve determined you’re submissive and you want to live that fantasy. You want your partner to be your dominant. But… how do you even bring it up? You’ve never talked about anything like that, so what if they refuse? What if they are on board?
It’s one thing to discover BDSM when you’re single, but another thing entirely to do it when you’re in a relationship or a marriage. For single people, it’s a bit easier to do because all it takes is finding people with the same interest. For people in a relationship, there’s a lot of uncertainty and doubt.
You definitely need to have a conversation about it and this can be challenging. However, it doesn’t have to be such a big struggle. Sure, the transition can be difficult, and sometimes it’s even impossible, but you owe it to yourself to pursue your desires. So, here are a few tips to help you bring up the topic and ask the question.
1. The Conversation: Expectations vs. Reality
When you’re thinking about the conversation you want to have, there’s a lot of room for worry and doubt. You start to wonder… What if he thinks it’s weird? What if he just dismisses me as crazy? Expecting the worst is normal because tend to be pessimists in the face of the unknown.
However, facing the unknown is a lot better than expecting your partner to just realize you want them to be your dominant. Trust me, people have tried it. Acting submissive and throwing hints their way, expecting them to magically read our minds and understand is not going to work.
Let’s be honest, partners can be as oblivious about our desires as we can be about theirs. Why? Because if we don’t communicate, there’s no way we can know what we want. In this case, communication is indeed intimidating. Don’t worry, your worries and fears are natural.
But rather than waiting for them to notice what you want, you should simply speak up and express yourself. If this is something you really need to be happier and more fulfilled in the relationship, you can’t go on without talking about it. Bottling things up out of fear is never a good idea.
At the end of the day, you don’t know what reaction your partner is going to have until you have the conversation. I encourage you to quiet your pessimistic thoughts, take a breath, and just go right out and say it. You may be surprised by their reaction. Maybe they’ve been wanting the same or they’ve considered it. At the very least, they will be open about it.
Some partners will get excited about the idea of trying something new in the bedroom, especially when that something is BDSM, right off the bat. Others will not be into it right away and it can be a very difficult transition. However, they may find it exciting once you try some things out and from then on, it can be an educational experience. Some people say the transition saved their relationship and turned things around for the better. So it can go really well.
But you won’t know until you have the talk. As long as your partner is willing to listen and open to the idea, good things can happen. It will be a little uncomfortable, especially if this desire to submit is coming out of nowhere for them, but you can get through it.
However, things won’t always turn out the way we want them to. That’s a fact of life. So, there’s as much chance of things going south. And you need to prepare for that possibility. Some couples don’t get through this and you’ll have to make a decision. Can you live without satisfying your desires and still be happy in the relationship? Or do you want this too much?
2. Prepare to Bring It Up
The steps I will explain below will work not just to bring up the subject of BDSM for the first time, but also whenever you want to introduce a new kink or adjust a dynamic that’s not working out for you.
First of all, let your partner know you need to talk about something and pick a good time to do that. You want to focus on the conversation and nothing else, so make sure you don’t have to be anywhere else or do anything else.
Second, think things through. When you have a difficult conversation, it can be easy to lose track of what you want to say. Remember this is a very important discussion. You need to be able to express your desires and your needs clearly, which is why you must prepare. Think about what you want to say and how you want to say it.
Third, don’t wait more than you need. When you keep putting the conversation off, you’re wasting precious time. The sooner you talk with your partner, the sooner you can start working on the transition.
Fourth, take it slow. Remember there’s no rush. This is your moment to speak openly and honestly about what you want, so take your time to get everything out. Don’t rush through anything and don’t allow them to rush you either.
Fifth, have resources at the ready. Your partner will be curious they will want to understand what you’re talking about. That’s why you need to prepare resources for them to study. Needless to say, you need to determine what kind of kinky things you want to try and point them in that direction.
Last but not least, remember they may need time to process everything and truly understand what’s going on. You need to give them the opportunity to take it all in and you also must be open to compromise if necessary.
3. Be Realistic
Think about your own process for a bit. Either you’ve been into kink your whole life or you discovered it recently and you’ve educated yourself. No matter the case, it took time and it didn’t happen overnight. Don’t expect it to be that way for your partner. They will need time as well unless they’ve also been secretly interested in kink for a while, which is possible!
So, now that everything is out in the open, where do you go from there? Well, first of all, a dominant/submissive relationship will require commitment on both sides. You need to come to terms with the fact that they won’t be the dominant you dream about. They will be who they are. It’s just a matter of how willing you are to accept that.
You’re not the only one in the relationship, so keep that in mind. The transition from a vanilla relationship to a BDSM relationship will take work from everyone involved. Stepping into the role of submissive is not as easy as you think. You will have to learn to let go, be trusting, and relinquish control. And your partner will have to learn to listen and fulfill your desires in a way that also works for him. It’s not easy, but it’s worth the effort.
What to Expect After You Have the Talk
Before you jump right into kinky stuff, take a moment to slow down. Of course, if you talk things through and you’re feeling hot, I don’t see why you shouldn’t have sex if you want to. However, remember you have your work cut out for you.
BDSM is not something you should do in a rush. Take it one step at a time and don’t bite more than you can chew. First, you need to take your time with research. Read as much as possible, watch videos, reach out to people who are already in the community, go to munches, etc. Do what you need to do to become familiar with what you want to try before you try it.
You really must have mentors, which is why finding a local BDSM group you can join is a must. You have so much to learn, you can’t possibly do that in one sitting. It takes time and it’s a long journey. But it’s a lot of fun, especially when you take your time to try things out without a rush.
You also need to be brutally honest. One of the pillars of BDSM relationships, and any other kind of relationship, is communication. You need to be open about your needs and desires and be willing to go with the flow.
