Tabuu Wrap-up: Anal sex has become one of the most common fantasies for people of all genders and sexual orientations. But doing it right takes practice and preparation!
Did you know that anal sex is simultaneously one of the most common sexual fantasies and the most common sexual encounters to go south? If you do a quick search, you’ll find plenty of anal sex horror stories, often involving intoxicated, inexperienced people who ruin anal sex for themselves.
As a sex educator, I’ve had the opportunity to talk to people who’ve had these negative anal sex experiences and I’ve found there are three common denominators that make the experience go wrong. That’s a lack of communication, neglecting the partner’s warm-up, and failing to use lubrication.
To spare you your own anal sex horror story, I’ve put together the ultimate guide to anal sex. Today we’ll be discussing every aspect of it so you can learn everything you need to have a truly wonderful and pleasurable experience with anal sex.
How to Prepare for Safe Anal Sex
1. Slow Things Down
When anal sex is done the right way and with care, it can be pleasurable for anyone, no matter the gender. The best part it’s actually not difficult to learn how to do it safely. The first step is to slow things down.
Taking your time with it is key, not just when it comes to penetration (which also needs to be done slowly), but also when you’re having a conversation with your partner about anal play. You need to talk things out at length and take your time at each step of the way.
2. Hash Everything Out
When you sit down to hash things out before anal sex, you need to get everything out in the open. Not just your desires, needs, and expectations, but also your doubts and fears. You want to talk about each other’s history with anal sex, if there’s any, and you want to establish what’s okay to do and what’s off-limits.
This conversation can happen via text or face to face in a public space to make sure the focus is solely on speaking about it. Remember anticipation is a huge part of what makes sex fun, and even the negotiation aspect of it can get you worked up about what’s to come if you sprinkle some dirty talk in there.
3. Engage in Anal Play on Your Own First
Before you attempt anal sex with a partner, it’s a great idea to do it by yourself. Especially if you’re on the fence about it and you want to be in complete control of your first anal experience.
Depending on how flexible you are, you can either use your fingers or get an anal toy, just make sure you start small. And always make sure your toys have a big, flared base so they don’t get sucked in.
If you don’t want to be on the receiving end of anal play, you should still consider trying it on our own before you attempt it with a partner just to know what it’s like. Walking a mile in their shoes will allow you to understand perfectly how slowly you should go, how sensitive the area is, and more.
Safety Tips for Anal Penetration
It doesn’t matter if you’re alone or with someone else, safety should always be a priority. This is why you should always begin with external stimulation of the anus and the area surrounding it. The anal area is very sensitive, so there is a lot of sensation to explore there. When you’re all lubed up, you can start with an external massage to get familiar with the sensation around this area.
Focusing on external sensations might be enough for your first few tries, not to mention this is a great way to integrate anal play into your foreplay. Doing this often will help you prepare for anal penetration, whether on your own or with a partner.
If you’re trying anal stimulation as a woman, one of the most important safety tips for you is never to insert anything in your vagina that has been in your anus. Cross-contamination can lead to infection, and that’s not what you want. Also, make sure you wash any anal toys you use after each use.
In line with this safety tip, you should consider using gloves. They’re easy to remove when you’re done with anal play so you don’t have to interrupt your activities to go wash up. Gloves will also make your hands feel smoother and your fingernails will be covered so there’s less risk of scratches or tears. Anal tears in particular can be a big issue because of bacteria.
Also, keep in mind that STIs are more likely to happen when you engage in anal sex because of the thinness of the mucus membranes in the rectum, which makes them more likely to suffer micro-tears. It’s important you know this so you can choose the right kind of barrier for your activities.
How to Warm Up for Anal Play
1. Let the Negotiations Begin
The first step is always to talk things out, so make sure you never skip negotiations. You need to be clear about whether or not they’ll be any penetration. If there will be, determine what kind of penetration and set the limits. If you’re not ready for penetration yet, then determine what you’ll be doing instead. Fingering? Analingus? It’s up to you. Also, discuss your safety needs and determine how you’ll be communicating throughout.
2. Clean Up
Hygiene is one of the most common concerns people have about giving anal sex a try. But unless you’ve been having stomach issues, hygiene shouldn’t be a problem. Anal penetration doesn’t usually go past the rectum, and either way, there’s no poop in the rectum because it’s all stored in the colon. However, you do want to make sure you empty your bowels at least 2 hours before your anal play session.
Needless to say, you should also take a nice, long shower and clean your anus inside and out. Taking a shower is also a great way to start the relaxation process and it can even be a great way to initiate foreplay if you invite your partner. You’ll not only get clean but also a little hot and bothered.
Even when you prepare your body this way, you still want to make sure you have baby wipes or towels at the ready. We never know what our bodies might do and accidents can definitely happen, so it’s good to be prepared for that kind of thing either way.
3. Prepare the Space
Just to be sure all your bases are covered, you can prepare the space by lying down a towel. If there’s any mess, it will be easy to clean up, and it won’t ruin your sheets, and it will also keep your lube from making a slippery mess of your sheets.
4. Use Plenty of Lube, But Choose the Right One
When it comes to anal sex, you should always have more lube than you think you’ll need. Needless to say, you need to choose the right lube for the job. Body-safe water-based lubes are always a safe choice, but anal penetration might require something thicker, like a silicone-based lube.
Of course, finding the perfect lube for your purposes means you’ll have to try a few and see which one works best. Just make sure they’re body-safe and high-quality. Avoid any kind of lube with numbing agents. Even though they’re usually marketed for anal sex, it’s important not to numb your anus. Pain is how your body lets you know something’s not right, so you want to be aware of signals like that.
If you numb the pain, you might find yourself dealing with something worse later, such as anal tears or bleeding, which are not a good experience. Numbing lubes are just not a good idea for anal sex. Stick with lubes that allow you to feel everything and make things more comfortable.
5. Begin With a Massage
When you’ve applied lube in all the right places, you will be ready to get started with anal play. However, remember this goes in stages. So, you want to begin with an external anal massage to help you relax and start enjoying yourself. And then, depending on your experience and flexibility, you can move onto other activities.
The Road to Anal Penetration
If it’s your first time enjoying anal penetration, it’s important you’re in control of the experience. You should be able to control the speed and the depth of the movement however you see fit. The anus is so sensitive, even the smallest of movements can feel incredible, which is why going too fast or too deep can be very painful.
You also want to make sure you apply lube to either your fingers, sex toys, or the penis before it’s inserted. And you want to reapply lube however you see fit. It also important you focus on relaxation throughout the experience. You don’t want your body to tense up at any moment and your partner should also focus on keeping you aroused throughout.
Relaxation and arousal are key, and some of it can be accomplished consciously, but your body can react to things unconsciously as well and make your muscles contract. This is what you need to control throughout the experience.
Breathing exercises will help you maintain relaxation and it also helps that you’re confident there won’t be any pain because you’re doing things right. However, if you do experience any pain or discomfort, stop what you’re doing immediately, find your zen, and try again.
The Best Positions for Anal Sex
When you’re trying to settle on a sex position for your anal sex adventure, the focus should be on the person who’s in the receiving end of the action. It’s important they have control over the depth and the speed of the penetration, so they should be in a position where they can do that.
One of the best positions to do that is to have the receiver be on top so they can lower themselves onto the penis and control things as they see fit. This position also allows both partners to touch each other freely and stimulate other parts of each other’s bodies.
The missionary position is another good one because it leaves your hands free to do different things. This is very important because maintaining arousal during anal penetration is a must, and touching is a big part of that.
Doggy style is another common position for anal sex because it provides a good angle and it feels a lot more natural for this. However, you won’t be able to see each other and you won’t have as much freedom of movement so you won’t be able to play with your hands or toys for additional stimulation. Even in this position, it’s important the receiver is in control of the speed and depth of penetration, so allow them to back up when they’re ready and take the lead.
Once you find a position you’re comfortable with, you can slowly start moving a bit more. Anal penetration needs to be a lot slower than vaginal penetration, so don’t try to do what you normally do during intercourse. This is different. You may never be able to thrust at the speed you’re used to, but that won’t take away from the experience because you don’t need to go super hard or deep for the sensations to be intense. Remember the anus is sensitive, so a little goes a long way.
Stimulating the G-Spot and P-Spot During Anal Sex
If the person on the receiving end is male, they can benefit from P-spot stimulation during anal sex. If they’re female, they can benefit from G-spot stimulation as well. These areas are extremely sensitive and combined with anal penetration, they can lead to double orgasms that are bigger and more intense.
If it doesn’t lead to orgasm, don’t get stuck in it. Remember that the goal of sex is not to orgasm, but to have an enjoyable, pleasurable experience, and that doesn’t always end with an orgasm. Anal sex can be just one of the things you do during a sexual encounter, it doesn’t have to be the trigger for climax. It can be, and it is for a lot of people, but it doesn’t happen right away. P-spot and G-spot stimulation can help, but don’t be disheartened if it doesn’t happen.
What Happens When We’re Done?
When you’re done, the first thing you should do is clean up. The best way to do it is either with a warm, wet towel or, even better, jump in the shower or take a bath together. Aftercare is very important for the receiver, so be a good partner and pay attention to that. They should get cuddles or whatever else they need.
Trying something new that’s as intense as anal sex will make your partner crave connection and time to recover. This is why it’s important to talk to your partner after the fact as well. Check-in, see how they’re feeling, and discuss the experience. Talk about the good things, the things that need some improvements, and the things you want to try next time.
What If I Didn’t Enjoy It?
If you’ve given all these tips a try and you still didn’t enjoy anal sex, know that that’s perfectly fine. It’s not for everyone, but you gave it a try, and that’s all that matters. It’s always a great thing to explore your sexuality and try new things. It’s always rewarding, even if it means you learned you didn’t like something.
If you gave it your best shot but it’s not for you, then no one can tell you otherwise. Don’t allow anyone to pressure you into trying it again. Our bodies are all different, so we don’t experience pleasure the same way, and that’s okay!
There are plenty of other things you can try, trust me! The sky is truly the limit, so just keep exploring, be creative, and let your sense of adventure take you somewhere new every time. What’s important is you enjoy yourself and have fun exploring your sexuality, the rest is just noise!