Tabuu Wrap-up: Dating is not easy, we all know that. But it gets even harder when you’re a kinky person. Let’s make it easier!
I’m not a full-on kinky person. I go to the occasional play party, I enjoy a bit of bondage, and I like being spanked. However, kink is not one of my top priorities as it is for many people. I don’t mind if my partner is not kinky.
But, okay, let me tell you a story. One day I was checking my Instagram and I noticed this cute guy kept coming up on my notifications. Being newly single, I decided to follow him back. We exchanged some witty banter via DM, and suddenly, things got a little strange.
He started telling me he wanted to tie me up and he kept describing all these bondage scenarios. He even referred to Fifty Shades of Grey… Oh, boy. Needless to say, it was a huge turn off for me. I’m not the kind of person who enjoys the aggressive kind of approach, especially not from creeps who hide behind kink or random people I casually DM.
The conversation escalated too quickly for my taste. And yes, I do write about kink very often and I’m open about sex. But does that mean people are free to share their fantasies without my consent? Does it mean I should be down for anything and everything kinky? No. There are boundaries. One of the things I love most about kink and BDSM is that consent is an essential part of it.
This little situation got me thinking about the people who are more open about their kink than I am and are part of BDSM communities. I’ve heard many stories about how difficult it is to find a meaningful relationship in this environment. As if regular dating wasn’t difficult enough! That’s why I decided to do my research and figure out how to date when you’re kinky, so here are a few tips for you.
Your Approach Will Depend on How Kinky You Are
If you’re not 100% kinky and it’s not one of your big priorities but you do dabble in it, you will be pleasantly surprised about how many people will be on the same page. Light kink is a lot more mainstream than we’re led to believe. Many people enjoy light bondage, a little spanking, and other types of kink during sex.
According to research, since the whole Fifty Shades of Grey hype, almost 50% of Americans report trying some form of kink during sex. According to a survey in Canada, being tied up is one of the most common fantasies, with 41% of women and 49% of men being into it.
What you need to understand about kink is that everyone defines it differently. I’ve been with people who claimed they weren’t kinky at all, only to find out they liked to talk real dirty during sex or they asked to chocked/tied up. In other words, some people don’t even realize they do enjoy kink.
When you’re dating, your approach should be determined by how important kink is to you on a personal level. If you’re 100% kinky, then you need to approach people who identify in the same way. The more similar your sexual interests, the better.
If you’re a person who has very specific kinks and fetishes and you’re very active in the BDSM community, you want to go out with people who explore those same venues. Otherwise, there will be a huge disconnect between you. If this is the case for you, Tabuu and going to BDSM events such as munches and play parties can help you find like-minded partners.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with Tabuu, it’s an online platform specifically for kinksters. So, if kink is a very important aspect in your like, this platform is a great place to start looking for potential dates. Just be careful, creeps are everywhere. I mean, have you tried Tinder? Yikes! Just be safe, meet strangers in public places, and don’t give out any sensitive information.
Don’t Limit Your Communication
If you’re trying to find a partner who’s open to kink or enjoys kink at the same level you do, communication is important. In fact, communication is what will lead the way, so don’t limit yourself. You can’t expect to know if someone’s a good fit if you’re not willing to talk openly about kink.
If you don’t know how to express yourself on the matter and your sexual communication is not very effective, this is the perfect opportunity to learn. Negotiation and compromise are a big part of having healthy and fulfilling sexual relationships, so you need to be able to do that.
If kink is a major part of your sex life, you need to figure out what your potential partner is into. This will help you determine how compatible you can be. How do you get people to share that with you? By creating an environment where they feel free to express themselves. The only way to do that is by example. Open up about what you like and have an honest, respectful conversation about the kind of kink you both enjoy. Sharing desires is super fun, so you should bring it to the table.
If you’re looking for a relationship that’s only sprinkled with kink, the same applies. You can’t expect them to magically know what you’re into. You need to tell them and be open about the aspects of kink you enjoy and what you’re looking for in a partner. And if you also want a serious relationship, let them know you want that combination. It’s valid to look for love and kink at the same time, and if you only want to have fun, that’s okay too.
As a kinky person, you’ll quickly realize you have a more defined view of your sexuality and your desires. That’s because you’ve thought about it in a way that people who consider themselves to be “vanilla” haven’t done. Not everyone takes an in-depth look into their emotional and sexual needs, so be prepared for some people to not know what they want right away.
When you’re looking for a long-term relationship, you need to be clear about your desires and needs. This will save you from being with the wrong person and wasting your precious time. You want a like-minded individual, someone on the same page. And the only way to figure that out is by talking openly and hoping for the best.
