Most couples who decide to delve into the world of sexual fantasies come out on the other end either broken up or divorced. This is often because they’re invaded by feelings of jealousy, anger and insecurity. When you’re not in the right mind set for it, seeing your partner enjoy sex with someone else can be overwhelming.
These issues often arise when a couple is trying to use sexual fantasies to fix a problem in their relationship or because they believe it will make things a bit better. However, if you find your partner is not interested in sex, non-monogamous sexual fantasies are not the way to address it. For most couples, it will simply make things worse and cause even more problems very quickly.
For sexual fantasies to truly be an adventure and a positive thing, your relationship needs to be healthy in the first place. Otherwise, it’s a recipe for disaster. Not to mention you both need to be on board with the idea of non-monogamous activities, which means you must talk about it honestly and extensively. You need to ask yourselves: is acting on sexual fantasies good for the relationship? Today, I’ll help you answer that question.
Real Relationships vs. TV/Movie Relationships
It’s a common trope with TV shows and movie relationships to spice up things in the bedroom by trying common sexual fantasies like, dressing up and role play, swinging, threesomes, tying one up, spanking, using toys, etc. But does this scenario have any resemblance with real relationships? Is this the kind of sex couples should aspire to have? And if it’s not the kind of sex life you share with your partner, does it mean you’re missing out?
The answer to all these questions is: no! In fact, the way sexual relationships are portrayed in TV shoes and movies is not very healthy at all. As a result, many modern men feel like they need to be kinky in the bedroom, otherwise they’re boring or they’ve failed in their sex life. But this is not at all true and they’re not good reasons to explore your sexuality as a couple.
Sex scenes including threesomes, swinging and other common sexual fantasies are there for a reason: to entertain. In today’s world, sex is no longer a taboo subject and creators have a lot more freedom when it comes to using sexuality as entertainment. However, it’s important that we learn to make this distinction. If you want to be a happy, more fulfilled human being, it’s important to separate entertainment reality from actual, real-world reality. If you mix these two up or are constantly comparing them, you will only feel unhappiness and failure.
Men often think that it would be amazing to convince their partner to have a threesome with another woman, just like they do on TV or in movies. It would be awesome, they say. They wish their girlfriend or wife was like this, they think. But what needs to be understood here is that 99% of people have sex with only one person at a time and there’s nothing wrong with that. What these men don’t realize is this: there is a way to act on sexual fantasies as a couple. Chances are your girlfriend or wife is also thinking about it! And it doesn’t have to lead to a break up or divorce.
A Personal Story for Perspective
Once upon a time I was working in the corporate world. I had the opportunity to work with a female manager and she told me one day she and her husband were considering swinging. She’s a well-mannered, highly-educated woman in her 40s, so you can imagine this took me by surprise. It wasn’t uncommon to hear her speak about her husband, her children and their family life.
It was a typical, nice marriage. Which is why it was even more surprising to me that, only a few weeks after she announced they were considering swinging, the drama started to unfold. The morning after her first swinging experience, she walked happily into the office and she told me about her first swinger party with her husband.
She told me she had sex with two different guys at once and that it was an amazing experience for her, she was really into swinging. And it seems like her husband had a great time at the party as well.
At this point in my life, I knew next to nothing about whether swinging was good or bad for a relationship, and it was amazing to me that they didn’t broke up after a night like that. It actually seemed like they both had an amazing time and I wished her the best. She spent the rest of the day smiling and happy, interacting and socializing with team members. It was nice to see her being so much nicer and friendlier than usual.
About two months go by and I notice she’s continuously telling me about this one guy she’s been sleeping with at swinger parties. It turns out, she fell in love with him. She lost interest in sleeping with her husband. When she told me this and asked me what she should do, I truly had no idea what to say. I suggested they should stop. After all, it sounded like it was destroying their marriage, to which she replied: “That would be a good thing.”
After this exchange, she started working out a lot, she changed her hairstyle and she stopped talking about her husband, unless it was to say something negative. Two more months go by and she tells me she has let her husband know she wants to get divorced. Just like that, a happy family of 6 was separated.
Honestly, I lost respect for her as a person because of the way she treated her husband. It seems like she wanted to treat him badly enough so he would hate her and ask for a divorce. It wasn’t very nice at all. Needless to say this whole situation really got me thinking about non-monogamous sexual fantasies and the kind of impact they can have on a relationship.
Are Sexual Fantasies Just Harmless Fun?
Sexual fantasies might be just harmless fun men and women indulge in from time to time. However, that can change when one of the two becomes fixated on the fantasy and need it to be sexually satisfied. According to Sigmund Freud, “A happy person never fantasizes, only a dissatisfied one.”
Now, I don’t think dissatisfaction is the only thing that leads to fantasizing, but when it does, the fantasies become a vehicle for disaster in the relationship. Fantasizing should be about both of you, it should be about having fun with each other and exploring each other’s sexuality and curiosity Yes, sometimes that means bringing other people in, but when you’re doing it from a healthy perspective, it doesn’t have to wreck your relationship.
Of course, research has found that people who are happy and satisfied in their relationships don’t fantasize about other people. This would support Freud’s statement. However, it’s not always the case. Satisfied women actually fantasize a lot more about having sex with their partners, which leads to trying different things and living out sexual fantasies they might be interested in.
Many times, a fantasy is only about having fun. And if you can do that together, it just adds to the excitement. I believe living your sexual fantasies can be very healthy for a relationship if that’s truly what you both want and if you’re willing to communicate openly and be honest with each other.
So, Should You Go for It?
What if your partner is interested in swinging, having a threesome or other sexual fantasies? It’s the dream scenario for many, especially people who feel like they’ve been missing out on something or who haven’t been able to explore their sexuality as much as they wanted to. So, should you go for it?
The truth is that only you can answer that question. Threesomes and other non-monogamous sexual fantasies can be cool and exciting, as long as you’re both on board with it and you find the right fit. However, these fantasies should not be seen as answers to relationship problems.
Whether sexual fantasies are good or bad for your relationship depends entirely on the way you approach them. The first step is deciding; is this something you truly want to do? What are your reasons? What kind of sexual fantasies are you most interested in? Is it something you share with your partner? If not, will they be able to get on board? What are their interests and reasons? These are just a few of the important questions you should ask yourselves.
You could give sexual fantasies a try, without any kind of commitment and see if it’s something you want to do. Sometimes you don’t know for sure until you’ve tried. But if having sex with the person you love and truly loves you is enough, stick with that. As long as you take care of your relationship, your sexual life will continue to be satisfying because you make it so.
TV shows and movies will continue promoting kinky sex and many people and couples around the world are into that. Just know that if you’re not, that’s okay too! Your sexual relationship with your partner will survive without breaking from vanilla sex. If you truly feel there’s no need to change the dynamic, don’t! Sexual fantasies are not for everyone and that’s perfectly fine.
Sexuality is different for everyone. But if you’re in a relationship, it’s likely you’ve found the perfect match for you. Whether or not you want to explore sexual fantasies is just a matter of what you both enjoy in the bedroom. Going from monogamy to non-monogamy is a huge step for any relationship, but more so for marriages.
However, it has been successfully done by many married couples through the years. They have made it work because it’s the kind of lifestyle they want for themselves; as a result, it has made their relationship stronger and healthier.
But when you’re doing it for the wrong reasons, it can lead your relationship to end. Many factors go into this, of course. But I believe you set the stage as a couple from the very beginning. Should you act on your sexual fantasies as a couple? It’s completely up to you. Discuss it openly and honestly, see if it’s for you. If it’s not, then at least you gave it a try and it can make you even more confident in your sexual life together. Whatever you decide, do it together and do it for the right reasons!