Tabuu Wrap-up: My individual sexual experience started with my own fingers exploring my clitoris and labia, I had complete control!

I didn’t have my first mind-blowing orgasm until I was 32, and I was by myself. While teen girls had fun touching themselves in secret, I never did that. As I grew up, I convinced myself that orgasms were something other people experienced and if the sex was wild enough, they weren’t necessary.

But then I learned why they’re so powerful and addictive, all through masturbation and playing with myself. That’s why today I wanted to talk about how masturbation began my sexual evolution and why I believe it does that for all women who make a habit of playing with themselves.

My Pre-Orgasm Years

My childhood and pubescent years make most of my years before orgasms. My pubescent years were the most awkward ones. I remember I asked my mom about sex and she just said she didn’t want to talk about that. She was the kind of mom who said she was sorry when I first got my period. Now, I don’t blame her for my lack of orgasms, but it’s safe to say that my reluctance to talk about sex felt genetic for a while.

When I lost my virginity, there was no orgasm. Honestly, I wasn’t certain his penis had gone in… Yup, it was that bad. After that, things were much better. One of my sexual partners even had a porn star cock and he really knew how to use it. But no one I had sex with between the ages of 18 and 32 gave me an orgasm or even cared enough about it. Many times I came close to it during penetrative sex, but I never did go over the cliff.

I never masturbated or touched myself in any way. I just never did it. I guess all the misconceptions about masturbation really got to me. I really thought it was something that was exclusively for men. But I’ve learned a lot since then!

Finding My Confidence

When I got divorced, I discovered my lust for many men, NSFW Tumblr accounts, and sex blogging at the same time. Every single day my mind was riddled with sexual thoughts, images, ideas, and urges. The last time I felt like that I was 19 years old, and I have to admit, it felt amazing.

The first time I had sex with someone after my divorce it was great, but he didn’t care about my pleasure. However, I was loud enough to make him believe his penis was doing enough. The second time I had sex, he was on a personal mission to make me come and, honestly, he came very close but I didn’t relaxed enough to completely go over the edge. He ended things with me because of that; he said he was tired of trying so hard while all I did was hold back.

I can’t tell you how many times I felt an orgasm was brewing, but I was just too scared to go for it. Why? Well, because it always felt like I had to pee. It happened every time and I was afraid of peeing my pants in bed. But the last thing I wanted was a life without sex or pleasure, so I decided to do something about it and masturbation was the way.

How I Learned to Masturbate

Put yourself in my shoes for a second. If you thought you would pee if you let go, would you have done it anyway? Probably not. I certainly wouldn’t and didn’t. However, at that point in my life, I was more connected with my sexual self more than I’d ever been before. That’s why I was determined to learn how orgasms worked for me. With one condition: if I peed myself, I was done.

So, I dimmed the lights, got in bed, spread my legs, and started exploring myself with my fingers. It was a bit strange, but it felt good. I didn’t know how soft the skin was down there. Heat was coming out of my every pore and I was so wet, it made everything feel ten times better. Soon, I was ready to come!

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and I decided if I peed, no one would ever know. Maybe I would mention it to my doctor, but no one else. Ever. A second later, I completely relaxed and allowed my body to take the wheel. I flooded my bed and I shot out of bed, turned on the lights, and proceeded to expect the fluids.

It wasn’t yellow, it smelled like sex, and it tasted clean. It wasn’t pee, I just squirted. I had heard very little about it, but I did it. And when I started masturbating, I didn’t stop. I understood why teens lock themselves in their rooms when they discover masturbation. Having one orgasm was not enough, I wanted more.

My Kinky Self

I am currently in a 24/7 dominant/submissive relationship and I talk/write openly about kink and BDSM. It’s safe to say I’ve come a long way. Forgettable sex and my unwillingness to come are things of the past. Now, do I think masturbation will lead to kink? Not at all. That’s just my story. What I do believe is that masturbation opens the door to understanding and embracing your pleasure and sexual self without shame.

When you have a better understanding of your own pleasure and you let go of the shame so you can accept your pleasure as it is, you will be more confident to explore new paths.

Very soon after my first orgasm, I started writing about sex. Just like other sex bloggers I had discovered, I wanted to document everything and share my journey. I wanted other women like me to be able to see the light.

While I explored my sexuality, I discovered I had buried desires deep within myself. So deep, I had no idea they were there. I like kink. I am submissive. I enjoy pain and rough sex is truly my thing. Essentially, I freed myself, and I have masturbation to thank for that.

My path towards kink started when I first touched my clitoris with my fingers. If masturbation did that for me, think about what it could do for you! I regret not leaning into masturbation sooner. But it wasn’t too late for me, and it’s not too late for you. All you need to do is make the choice and go for it!