Swinging and/or getting involved with threesomes is becoming more and more common. Even starts are doing it shamelessly and openly, because why shouldn’t they? For example, Silicon Valley’s star, Thomas Middleditch revealed that he’s in an open marriage with his wife, Mollie Gates. It was Middleditch’s idea, and when he discussed it with her, she was open to figuring things out.

Of course, being willing to get into swinging doesn’t take away from the fact that the transition can be a challenge. According to Middleditch in an interview for Playboy magazine, the path was rocky, but arguing about it as often as they did actually made their partnership a lot stronger. In his own words, swinging is “a perpetual state of management and communication”, which is a very accurate way to put it. If you’ve read any of our articles before, you know communication is more than essential to swinging. Without it, it won’t work.

What Is Swinging?

Swinging, commonly known as “the lifestyle”, consists of opening your relationship, whether to threesomes, second partners, partner-swapping, and other arrangements. It all depends on the couple and how they choose to live the lifestyle together. It shouldn’t be confused with polyamory, where emotional relationships are pursued with other people. Swinging is more casual and sexual. In fact, emotional relationships with others are usually out of bounds for swingers.

Can It Go Wrong?

This kind of arrangement can go very well or terribly wrong, it truly depends on how you approach it as a couple and how respectful you are of each other’s boundaries.

For example, swinging is not a good idea to Demi Moore. In her memoir, Inside Out, the star revealed that she and Ashton Kutcher gave the lifestyle a try after he revealed to have fantasies about a threesome. When he brought it up, she said yes, but it seems like she did it for the wrong reasons. According to what she wrote, she was trying to mold herself into the kind of wife she thought Ashton Kutcher wanted her to be.

When you look at successful swinger couples, one thing they all have in common is that both parties involved wanted to do it. They wanted to have the experience, not as much with other people, but with each other. Going into it, I believe it’s important to know why you want to do it. If you’re not really into it but you agree just because you want to make your partner happy, it will just make you both miserable in the end.

Non-monogamous experiences should be enjoyed for the right reasons and they must be well managed. Both of you should be prepared to bring in a third person into your bed and potentially into your life. Threesomes are not fun only because they’re “taboo” and that’s exciting, they’re fun because you’re connecting with your partner on a different way. You’re enjoying a third person together, but they’re not simply a plaything that will spice up your sexual relationship.

Is Jealousy a Common Factor?

Yes, jealousy is very common in the lifestyle, especially in the early stages. However, sometimes it’s not only about settling into a new dynamic. The truth is that if you’re already a jealous person and you’re insecure about yourself, you will have issues when someone else is brought into the relationship. This is a huge part of why it’s so important to make swinging a conscious decision. It’s something you really need to discuss in length with your partner; cover all your bases, discuss all your insecurities and second thoughts about the lifestyle before you dip your toes into it. Everything should be out in the open from the start.

As mentioned before, swinging shouldn’t be a choice made for the wrong reasons. It’s not going to save your relationship or your marriage; it’s not a band-aid or a solution. External things won’t solve the issues in your relationship, so if you think swinging is going to make things better, think again. Chances are it will actually make things worse if you’re already in a bad place in your relationship.

Threesomes are not the answer to your problems; they will just add another layer of complication if they’re done for the wrong reasons. Swinging, threesomes and other non-monogamous arrangements are about what you want, what you want your relationship to be, they’re about honesty and growth. What makes a good swinging relationship is the fact that you’re open and honest with one another and are willing to find what works for you as a couple.

The Importance of Being on the Same Page

Needless to say, it’s essential you are both on the same page about what you want from the relationship. Even if you’re honest and communicative, open relationships can be very daunting. It’s all about being on the same page. And if you’re not, the work should be focused on getting there, if possible.

If you want an open relationship but your partner is more interested in monogamy, things might not work out. Whether that would be the end of the relationship or not is completely up to the both of you. In some cases, giving swinging a good, honest try is enough. If it doesn’t work out, you move on and explore your sexuality as a couple in a different way.

There’s truly no manual to swinging, as much as we’d like it to be. No two couples are the same, which means everyone makes it work in their own way, by communicating and compromising with each other as best as possible. And if it doesn’t work, hey, at least you were brave enough to see if the shoe fit.

Swinging, threesomes and other non-monogamous arrangements work because the people involved really make it work. They make their own rules and follow their desires in a healthy way, together, which often makes their relationship stronger, more passionate and more exciting!