Tabuu Wrap-up: If you want your anal play to be safe and super-pleasurable, there are a few essential rules you need to follow!
Straight guys find anal play very intimidating and frightening, at least when they first get into it. Of course, this doesn’t mean they’re not into anal sex, it’s just there are some things straight men find concerning about it.
And that’s exactly what we’ll be discussing today! We will address straight guy concerns about anal sex and we’ll walk you through some rules to help you overcome them. Anal sex can lead to the best, most mind-blowing orgasm of your life, so that’s something you shouldn’t miss out on simply because you have doubts.
I want to say I’m speaking from the perspective of a straight man in a heterosexual relationship. Please know I mean no offense if the terms and pronouns I’m using here today don’t match your gender, pronouns, relationship structure, or sexual preferences, and I hope you still find this useful.
With that said, let’s get into the 5 most essential anal play rules for straight men. Enjoying anal sex is not as uncomfortable or painful as you may think, so let’s get into it!
How Bad Does It Hurt?
Many straight men think anal play and stimulation will feel like any kind of medical exam that involves anal examination. And it makes sense you’d think that because that’s the only reference of “anal stimulation” you’ve had. But the fact is that it’s nothing like that at all. When you’re at the doctor you’re tense, you’re uncomfortable, and you definitely don’t want this person to be anywhere near your butt. That’s why the number one rule of anal play is to breathe and relax. Every muscle in your boy needs to be relaxed, especially the main star: your anus.
What Will My Partner Think of Me?
Women often come to me about this when their man shows interest in anal sex because they’re worried it could be a sign they’re bisexual or gay. Of course, in most cases, no, they’re not gay. I believe what leads women to be so concerned about this comes down to the fact that they feel they’re losing control in a way. And they’re also afraid of their partner’s sense of adventure in bed.
Just so we’re clear: if your partner is interested in anal sex, it doesn’t mean they’re interested in men. What it means is they want to try something new and explore their sexual pleasure in a way that feels amazing. Just because they want to try something kinkier than usual, doesn’t mean you’re not enough or that he will love you any less.
Why Would I Want to Try Anal Sex?
The popularity of anal sex is due to the fact that people who’ve tried it have experienced the most incredible orgasm ever. They swear by it and they can’t enjoy such a huge, intense, powerful orgasm any other way. I think that would be reason enough for anyone, we’d all love to know what that feels like.
Could I Be Gay or Bisexual If I’m Interested in Anal Sex?
First of all, there’s nothing wrong with being gay or bisexual. Once you truly understand that, it will be easy for you to see that it’s not what you do in bed, what you put in your body, how you wear or how you act what makes you gay.
What makes you gay is who you love and who you enjoy sharing your sex life with. If that happens to be men, amazing! But if you’ve always been into women, anal play will not and cannot make you gay. It doesn’t change your sexual orientation. If you’ve been hiding a part of yourself and you’re triggered to come to terms with that by anal sex, then that’s something entirely different.
Anal Hygiene
One of the most common concerns about anal sex is hygiene and whether it will be messy. Honestly, it can be messy, but having good anal hygiene can help you avoid the mess or at least address it better if it happens.
Preparing for anal sex should go like this: empty your bowels, then take a nice long shower and thoroughly clean your anus. If you’re really anxious about it, what you can do is have an enema. They’re not difficult to do, and they can make you feel a lot more confident in your hygiene during anal play. Also, keep baby wipes at the ready at all times!
Anal Safety
Anal safety is a must when it comes to anal play and you need to cover your bases really well. Anal tearing is the most common concern when it comes to safety, but it can be easily avoided by using a good amount of lubricant and being gentle with penetration.
There’s no such thing as too much lube, especially not in anal play because the anus doesn’t produce lubrication on its own. Now, there’s a ton of debate when it comes to choosing the right type of lubricant. Experienced anal players swear by silicone-based lubricants and I’m with them.
Why? Well, silicone-based lubes are super thick, they last longer than water-based lubes, and they make things easier and more pleasurable. When you’re browsing for silicone-based lubes, choose one with as little fillers as possible.
If you plan on using anal toys during play, you also need to make sure they’re safe. The biggest issue with these sex toys is they can be sucked into the rectum if they don’t have a proper base. So, stay well away from anal toys that don’t have a base if you want to avoid a truly embarrassing trip to the ER. Flared based are the best and they will keep the toy from entering your anus entirely, which is exactly what you want.
Another thing you should consider when you’re choosing your anal toy is the size and shape of it. If you’re a beginner, you want to start with small and smooth toys, roughly the size of your fingers. Once you’ve practiced and you feel more comfortable with anal play, you can upgrade to larger toys, then add texture, try vibration, etc. Lastly, make sure whatever toy you choose is made of silicone, metal, or hard plastic because these materials are easier to clean.
What Are the Best Techniques for Anal Play?
Anal Fingering
Fingering is the best way to get started with anal play, so you want to lay down, use gloves if you want, and thoroughly lube up your fingers. You want to start with one finger if you’ve never done this before. Insert it slowly, hold it there once it’s in, and then slowly pull it out, then repeat. Combine this with a handjob and you will double your pleasure. Remember to reapply lubricant as you go along and be vocal with your partner about what feels good and what doesn’t.
Analingus
Analingus, also known as rimming, consists of giving oral sex to the anus and it’s another popular anal play technique. For this, you want to make sure your anus is squeaky clean so your partner can use their lips, tongue, and even teeth to provide pleasure. Once again, you can combine this with a handjob to experience double the pleasure.
Pegging
Pegging consists of using a strap-on dildo for anal penetration. Of course, this is not a good idea if you’re just beginning, but it’s something to work towards. Get your partner a strap-on harness and choose the kind of dildo you want to use. Make sure it’s the right size and shape for you, and silicone dildos are highly recommended.
Prostate Massage
Prostate massages consist of stimulating the P-spot, which is considered by many to be the male G-spot. The P-spot is 2 to 3 inches inside the anus and when this area is massaged, it provides amazing orgasms. Not to mention prostate massages are also good for male health because they help prevent prostate cancer and they increase a man’s sperm count as well.
The 5 Essential Rules for Anal Play
If you want to give anal play a try as a straight man, these are the 5 essential rules to keep in mind:
- Breathe and relax. Not one muscle in your body should be tense!;
- Practice good hygiene! Clean your anus well and always have baby wipes, a towel, and gloves at the ready.
- There’s no such thing as too much lube.
- Don’t you dare using an anal toy that doesn’t have a flared base. Don’t test your luck.
- Communicate openly and honestly before, during, and after anal play.
Anal play can be a bit nerve-wracking when you’re just getting started and it does take preparation and practice. But once you give it a try safely, you will love it and it will probably become a staple in bed. Not to mention that orgasm will be worth all the effort. So, have fun, be adventurous, and enjoy the ride.
Tabuu Wrap-up: When it comes to your most erogenous zones, there are no Xs that mark the hotspots. The only way to find them is by exploring, so here’s a guide to get you started!
There’s only one hidden treasure map we are all interested in finding, and that’s the body’s pleasure map. We all want to know where the right spots are, not just on ourselves, but on our partner. We really want to know. Like, we want the exact location.
Alas, there are no Xs that mark the hotspots. Why? Because everyone is different and sometimes our preferences change by the day. However, that doesn’t mean there aren’t a few general starting points you should try. Of course, not all of these starting points will produce pleasure because, again, we’re all different, but it’s worth giving them a shot.
Erogenous zones are those areas of the body that are super sensitive and provide a lot of erotic pleasure. These areas are made up of a high concentration of nerves, such as the head of the penis and the clit. But other areas are often overlooked, such as the earlobes. Erogenous zones can also be areas that are conditioned to turn you on. So, in other words, they are areas that become erogenous thanks to a partner’s sensual stimulation.
Today we will be focusing on the most essential erogenous zones and we’ll show you not only where they are, but also how they work. Most importantly, we’ll show you how you can stimulate them and play with them!
1. The Famous G-Spot
I hate to break it to you, but the G-spot is not really a spot. It’s an area that can be found at the front of the vaginal wall but it can be a bit different in everyone. Another fun fact about the G-spot is that it’s what allows some women to experience squirting orgasms. Now, not everyone can squirt, but if you can, G-spot stimulation will get you there. The G-spot is also known as the G-area, the paraurethral glands, urethral sponge, and the Gräfenberg spot.
Where’s the G-Spot?
If you want to find the G-spot more easily, you want to make sure you’re aroused. As aroused as you can be. The spongy tissue becomes enlarged, so it’s less elusive that way. To locate it, insert your fingers, facing the belly button, into the vagina. Usually, the G-spot is located three inches into the front wall of the vagina. The vaginal wall is smooth, but the G-spot will feel like a bump and it will have the size of an almond. Once you feel that, you’re in the right spot!
How Does the G-Spot Work?
Once you find the G-spot, working it is not very difficult. It goes like this: warming up to increase arousal, introducing gentle G-spot stimulation, so you can move onto the preferred stimulation technique. Some people decide to skip one of these steps while others prefer to spend more time on them.
It all depends on how she experiences pleasure and what she likes. It also depends on the way her body works. Some people experience extreme pleasure, can have multiple orgasms, or even ejaculate, but others can’t. In fact, some people don’t even reach orgasm this way, and that’s fine.
How to Stimulate the G-Spot
G-spot stimulation will vary according to each G-spot owner and what they enjoy the most. Let’s say you’ve engaged in foreplay for a little bit and you still can’t feel the spot. That’s because our blood flow is different, so the tissue will engorge at different rates depending on the person. But if it’s not fully engorged and she’s enjoying stimulation, keep it up!
The best position to try so you can find the G-spot is lying on the bed, bringing your knees to your chest, inserting your fingers in the vagina, and moving them in a “come here” motion. This technique provides pressure, which is the kind of stimulation that works best on the G-spot.
You can provide that pressure with your fingers, a sex toy, or a penis, just make sure you always use lube and you choose a position that allows you to feel the most pleasure while still being comfortable. It’s better if whatever you use to apply the pressure has curved and firm design, and you also want to be rhythmic with your movement.
2. The P-Spot
The P-spot is a little less known and it’s located in the prostate, which is the muscular gland found around the neck of the male bladder. It’s like the G-spot in the sense that it’s not a spot, it’s also an area. Stimulating can cause powerful orgasms and to do that, you need to insert your fingers in the anus and push toward your belly button gently and softly.
Where’s the P-Spot?
Just like the G-spot, the P-spot is easier to find when you’re excited and aroused. When you are, put your finger gently into the anus until you feel a small, bumpy area with a rough texture. You will find this area two inches into the rectum and up, close to the roof of the penis. The area is spongy and it’s roughly the size of a walnut, which are also things in common with the G-spot. They can become larger with age, so keep that in mind.
How Does the P-Spot Work?
When the P-spot is massaged and stimulated, it can be incredibly pleasurable. Once you get over the hump of stigma that usually surrounds anal play, you will be able to relax and it will feel amazing. The more open-minded you are about it, the more you’ll enjoy P-spot stimulation. Just don’t neglect foreplay! Arousal is extremely important and it will make a huge difference, so pay as much attention as you need to foreplay and truly engage in it. Stop treating it like a chore and you’ll have much more fun!
How to Stimulate the P-Spot
First of all, you can’t forget the lube. Lube won’t only make things a lot more pleasurable, but also more comfortable. For anal play, it’s always recommended you use a thick lube. It can be water-based or silicone-based, but silicone-based lubes are highly recommended because they last longer. However, if you’re using a toy that’s made of silicone, you want to stick to water-based lubes because they won’t damage your toy.
Once you’ve found the perfect lube, you can use your fingers or a sex toy to stimulate the P-spot. Lubricant is extremely important because the anus is not a very elastic area and it doesn’t produce lubricant, so it will facilitate insertion.
If you really want to use a sex toy to stimulate the P-spot but you have no idea how to choose one, look for something that has a firm curve. You want the curve to be able to bend towards the belly button once it’s inserted in the anus. Remember that’s how you can reach the P-spot!
When you do this right, P-spot stimulation shouldn’t cause pain. If you’re doing it for the first time, remember to relax. The more relaxed you are, the better because your muscles will be relaxed as well. When we’re nervous or anxious, our muscles instinctively get tense. We also forget to breathe and we spend a lot more energy, which means the anus won’t open up.
If you’re feeling a bit nervous, remember to take deep breaths. Calm yourself, release the tension in your muscles, and relax your entire body. This is what will lead to pleasure! Give yourself the chance to really enjoy this by getting in the right mindset and using all the lube you need. Leave your misconceptions and your shame at the door. If anal play is something you think about often, it means you want it. So stop denying yourself that pleasure simply because you’ve been conditioned to believe it’s shameful!
3. The Forgotten and Ignored Erogenous Zones
Do you want to know what the biggest sex organ is? Do you wish to discover the most erogenous zone ever? I’ll give you a hint: we all have it and we don’t even realize it. Ready? The biggest sex organ is… the brain!
We never really think about the brain as a sex organ, but it is, for everyone! When you’re in the mood and you’re in the right mindset, you will be turned on and a lot more stimulated. Erogenous zones are basically any zone in your body that shows sensitivity to sexual stimulation. So it’s not just the genitals!
Finding your erogenous zones consists of finding those spots in your body that are often forgotten and ignored and eroticizing them. In other words, you can condition some zones of your body to become erogenous.
An amazing way to see what zones are erogenous for you is to experiment with sensation play. Sensation play is when you experiment with different sensations to see what works. So, use feathers, temperature, tickling, sucking, pressure, and vibration all over your body to see what areas respond to this kind of stimulation the most. Once you start playing with yourself this way, you’ll find that areas such as your forearms, your earlobes, the back of your knees, etc., are all erogenous zones that feel amazing when stimulated.
As you play with yourself, make note of the areas that provide the most and the least sensation. Remember it’s all about having fun with your body! Discovering your pleasure map is supposed to be a fun process, so get creative, try different things, and enjoy the process of pushing the limits of your body’s ability to experience pleasure!
Tabuu Wrap-up: The wetter, the better! So make a point to choose the right lube for what you’re doing.
Don’t feel like reading? Enjoy our podcast or continue to the full story below:
If you’re looking for a super simple way to bring your sexual experience to the next level, look no further than your local drugstore. Why? Because that’s where you’ll find lubricant! In case you didn’t know, lubrication makes any sexual activity a lot more pleasurable and comfortable, so everything feels a lot more enjoyable.
Many studies support the benefits of lube and surveys also show that at least 50% of the population makes use of lube during sex. Lubrication brings additional sensations to the table and it takes away any discomfort, which means you’ll be able to lean further into your pleasure. The wetter, the better!
Even though the benefits of lubricants are so well-known, there’s a lot of misconceptions about women who use lube. The belief is that lubrication is only something old ladies or very bad girls use. But that’s not true. Literally everyone can benefit from a little squeeze of lube! It makes sex more fun, more intense, and more pleasurable no matter how old or kinky you are.
So even if you don’t need lubrication because you naturally produce enough of it on your own, you’ll find that you still like to use it. The fact is that lube makes any kind of sexual practice 10 times better. Not only does it allow you to explore a wider array of techniques and positions, but studies also suggest you’ll experience more pleasure and better orgasms.
However, that doesn’t mean all lubricants are the same. The fact is that finding the right one for you can be quite a challenge. Just like with any other product that goes on your skin, you will have to go through some trial and error to find a lubricant that feels good and doesn’t cause any side effects.
What you want to do is go to your local sex shop, see how different lube options feel on your fingers, and take some samples home. If you don’t want to go out, you can order sample packs online! What matters is that you start trying different lubes until you find the perfect one for you. And remember, you can have more than one lube for different purposes!
If you want to know what kind of lube will work best depending on the sexual activity you want to engage in, just continue reading!
1. Lubricant for External Anal Play
When it comes to external anal play, personal preference matters most when you’re looking for the right lubricant. For most people, water-based lubes or gels make things a lot better and provide more texture.
2. Lubricant for Penetrative Anal Play
The right kind of lube for penetrative anal play is a silicone-based lubricant because these lubes are a lot thicker than water-based lubricants. That means they’re long-lasting and slicker, so they will make things a lot more comfortable and pleasurable.
3. Lubricant for Shower Sex
If you’re into shower sex or any kind of sexual activity underwater, you won’t be able to use water-based lubes. Silicone-based lubes are a way better option whether you’re playing alone or with someone else. For example, the Astroglide Diamond Silicone Gel is waterproof and compatible with condoms.
4. Lubricant for Handjobs
Your hands don’t produce lubrication, unfortunately, so you will need a lubricant if you’re playing with your hands in any way. The best option for handjobs and other hand play would be a silicone-based lube.
5. Lubricant for Oral Sex
When you think of oral sex, you might not think lubricant is necessary for that. However, many people report that oral sex is a lot more pleasurable and comfortable when they add a little bit of lube. Lubricant is particularly useful during oral sex if you want to have a better grip as you suck, lick, slide, twist, etc. If you’re performing oral sex on a man, add a drop of lube to your lips. In this scenario, you could give flavored lubes a try, just make sure they’re body-safe. If you can find organic lubes, that would be best!
6. Lubricant for Sex toys
if your sex toys are made of silicone, you want to use water-based lubricants because silicone-based lubes will damage your toys after a while. If your sex toys are made of steel, glass, or wood, you can use basically any type of lube, just make sure it’s one you enjoy.
7. Lubricants Safe for Condoms
If you use condoms during sex, you want to choose a lubricant that’s tested for condom use. Astroglide’s lubes follow the ASTM condom compatibility guidelines determined by the FDA and they make lubes that are compatible with different types of condoms. Water-based lubricants are also compatible with latex, so you could just grab one of those. Just make sure you do your research! After all, you don’t want your lube to compromise your condoms.
8. Oil-Based Lubricants
Vaseline, body lotions, coconut oil, baby oil, and other products that contain oil shouldn’t be used as lubricants, especially if you’re using latex condoms, gloves, or dams. Oil-based lubricants don’t work with latex condoms because they weaken the latex and cause it to break. Plus, this type of lube is not safe for penetrative activities because it can attract bacteria. However, oil-based lubes can work well for massages and external play.
9. Lubricant for Slow Sex
If you want to drag out your sexual experience, you want a lubricant that will stay slippery and slick for longer. Silicone-based lubes work perfectly for slow sex because they’re long-lasting. But whatever lube you use, remember to reapply lube as necessary!
Final Words on Lubricants
There’s a wide variety of lubricants available on the market, so make sure whichever lube you choose is made of high-quality ingredients. You want your lube to be effective, body-safe, and appropriate for the sexual experience you’ll be having. It’s always a good idea to have more than one alternative at hand. You’ll definitely need to try different ones until you find the perfect lube for you, so have fun with the process!
Tabuu Wrap-up: Letting your curiosity take the lead can transform awkward questions into exciting invitations to try new things!
The more I listen to people talk about their sexual experiences and their sexuality, the better I understand how important curiosity is when it comes to having mind-blowing sex. I bet you a hundred bucks nearly everyone experiences some sort of block when it comes to having the kind of sex they fantasize about.
That’s just a fact of life. Whenever we’re having such an intimate exchange with someone, there’s a certain level of uncertainty around it. After all, we can’t read their minds. We don’t know how they want to be touched, what kind of things they like hearing, and they don’t know much about us either. So it’s safe to say that uncertainty goes both ways.
When you’re with a new partner, most of the focus is on their STI status and how you can practice safe sex together. But when it comes to what we like or what they like during sex, we’re a little bit more reluctant to ask questions. Whether it’s because we don’t want to seem inexperienced or because we’re too uncomfortable talking about sex.
Conversations about sex can be difficult. For many, talking about these things is something that’s way out of their comfort zone. Even if we’re talking to partners, not strangers. However, getting through the awkwardness is key because talking is what will allow you to be more certain and confident together.
This is where curiosity can change things around because it will make navigating uncertainties a lot more easily. When you ask questions from a place of curiosity, they go from being an awkward exchange to an exciting invitation for fun in the bedroom. So, what can we do to nurture curiosity when it comes to our sex lives? Well, here are 6 tips that will help you do that!
1. Accept the Fact That You Can’t Read Minds
It’s not your job to guess what your partner wants and enjoys in bed. Your job is to ask them what they want and enjoy. Even if you’ve been with your partner for years, it doesn’t mean people don’t change. When you ask your partner inviting, exciting questions, you’re showing them how much you respect them and understand that things change.
2. Choose Your Words and Your Tone Wisely
When you’re talking to your partner about sex, it’s important you choose your words and your tone wisely. Remember the objective of asking questions is to figure out what your partner likes and to express what you like, not to make demands. So, instead of deciding things on your own, ask them what they think of things.
3. Learn to Listen
A huge part of expressing curiosity is being interested in your partner’s experience. Sometimes, it can be stressful to ask questions about sex, so it can be difficult to stay present enough to answer. Not to mention arousal can be very distracting, even for people who’re extremely good at communicating. So, listen to one another more often. The more you listen, the better you’ll get at it.
4. Have a “Sex Lab”
A “sex lab” consists of having a designated time and place so you can try different sex techniques without worrying about results. When people want to try new things, they usually just jump right into it and they don’t prepare for anything. But that’s not a good idea. Preparation and observation are essential to navigating each other’s desires, moods, and bodies.
Another common mistake people make is having a strong desire of doing things “right”. But the point of having a sex lab is to take the pressure off doing things correctly and just trying things out to see what works and what doesn’t. If it turns out things don’t work out, that’s okay. Failure is a part of trying new things, but that doesn’t mean you won’t find success.
5. Be Curious Together
Being curious together, both inside and outside the bedroom is very important in a relationship. Sharing a sense of adventure is extremely sexy. While routines can be secure and feel safe, injecting a little variety will make a great difference. You shouldn’t only explore your pleasure, but other things in life. Inject a little adventure in your life and try new things, whether that’s a new park, restaurant or hiking spot, new hobbies, etc. Just have fun!
6. Keep Your Eyes Open
Observation is key because it will allow you to understand your interactions with your partner a lot better. By keeping your eyes open, it’s easier to find nuances and establish better connections with your partner as well. Living in the moment will make us feel better and happier, not to mention it will feed your curiosity at the same time.
If there’s any takeaway from today’s article is the fact that curiosity is extremely sexy. In fact, it can be one of the sexiest traits someone can have, especially when it comes to their sexuality. Curiosity is worth exploring and working on because it will make your life more exciting. It will also bring your sex life to the next level. Not to mention being a good listener and being heard is one of the hottest things ever! So, the next time you need to have a conversation about sex, make curiosity your fuel.
Tabuu Wrap-up: Negotiation is what makes things safe when you’re engaged in a scene, so make sure you and your partner negotiate every time!
My first negotiation with my partner made me extremely nervous. More nervous than I’d ever been since we started doing scenes. At first, I thought I was making too much of a fuzz. After all, he only wanted me to spank him. The thing is I’d never dominated anyone before, but you never can be too careful when you’re working with someone.
Even if they’re asking for it, you should always be 100% certain what’s in everyone’s best interest. What if he’s not in a good mood and the spanking triggers him? What if he’s not up for it? What if he has a skin condition? You’d be surprised at how a simple scene can be so emotional for someone, which is why everything must be addressed beforehand.
Negotiation should always take place before a kinky play scene. It consists of sitting down with your partner and discussing not only what they want, but also what they don’t want. Conditions and boundaries should also be determined and respected.
You’d be surprised at how many people skip this part of the process, and it’s a very important one. Now, it doesn’t matter if you’re in a committed BDSM relationship or if you’re engaging in a scene with someone you just met. Negotiation must never be skipped, no matter how long you’ve known your partner or how simple the scene will be.
Most people don’t negotiate spanking or simple things like that. However, it can’t be stressed enough how important negotiation is for everyone involved. To help you with it, today we’ll discuss 3 tips that will guide your negotiation so it can be successful and effortless!
1. Do It Every Single Time
Negotiation should never be skipped. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known your partner or how well you think you know your boundaries and vice versa. It doesn’t matter how well you know each other and what you like, negotiation is always a must. People and circumstances change every day.
Sometimes we’re struggling with things under the surface and we don’t know what could be harmful to either of you, no matter how many things you’ve done it before. How long negotiation can last will depend on different factors. You might only need up to 10 minutes to do a simple check if you already know each other well. If you’re just starting, negotiation can last a whole hour or more.
2. Negotiate Your Heart Out
When you negotiate with your partner, there are many questions to ask. The first questions should be focused on their likes and dislikes. What do they like? Being tied up? If yes, how do they like to be tied up? Do they prefer handcuffs? Or perhaps something softer, such as a scarf or a tie.
Once you have a clear understanding of their preferences, move on to figure out what they definitely don’t want to happen. Having a good idea of your partner’s boundaries is essential because you don’t want to cross the line. And you don’t want them to cross the line with you either. If someone doesn’t respect your limits, they’re disrespecting your consent, so stop playing with them.
To keep with this, you must have safewords and never forget them. Safewords are meant to get your partner to slow things down or stop entirely. The safeword should be simple and easy to remember, but also easy to recognize. It’s recommended to have a green, yellow and red system you can agree on.
If you’re with someone who is new to scenes, whether as a dominant or a submissive, you want to avoid introducing them to floggers and whips. Even if they express curiosity about more advanced things, you want to start small and go from there. Some of the more advanced activities require practice and expertise, which is not something you can do from the get-go.
Once you’re completely aware of their limitations, it’s time to discuss any mental or medical problems they may have. For example, if they have a heart condition, electro play is out of the question. If they’re taking medication, make sure you keep it handy in case anything happens. If they have emotional boundaries, it’s important you’re aware of them so you can develop a more intimate relationship. Not to mention it will make you feel more comfortable.
3. Determine the Necessary Aftercare
Last but not least, determining the necessary aftercare is one of the most important aspects of negotiation. You need to discuss how your partner wants to be taken care of once the scene ends. Some people just like to get a bottle of water and plush blankets at hand. Others need to be held, hugged, or cuddled.
Whatever they need, you need to be able to provide it. You can’t leave a submissive floating around, feeling vulnerable when the scene is done. Aftercare is all about grounding your submissive and bringing them back to reality. It’s also meant to show them how much you care for them. If you fail to provide your submissive with aftercare, they will feel angry, used, and confused.
After the scene, you should also give your submissive a call the day after to talk about how you both feel. It’s also a good idea to go on a date, maybe grab a bite. Following up is essential, not just for your submissive, but also for yourself. If you don’t do this, trust and respect will be compromised. Following up is a matter of decency, so don’t skip it for anything. Even a text will do if you don’t have the time to call or have a date, but schedule that for when it’s possible.
By keeping all this in mind, you will be able to have a more enjoyable, pleasurable, safe, and successful scene. Having a deep understanding of everyone’s needs, boundaries, and desires is very important. When it comes to sharing a scene with someone, safety is the most important thing and it’s key to a long-lasting BDSM relationship.
We hope today’s article helps you realize just how essential negotiation is in a BDSM relationship. But not only that, we hope these tips can help you do it right so you can have a truly exciting, pleasurable, enjoyable, and safe scene. Consent is one of the pillars of BDSM, and that can’t happen if you’re not aware of each other’s likes, dislikes, boundaries, and limitations. Never neglect such an important aspect of a BDSM relationship! Otherwise, things won’t work out safely.
Don’t feel like reading? Enjoy our podcast or continue to the full story below:
Tabuu Wrap-up: If we’re not vocal about what we want in our sex life, we learn to settle for less than we deserve!
Many statistics out there point to the fact that women don’t tend to ask for what they want and need in many different settings. Including the bedroom. To be fair, research points to the fact that most people don’t tend to communicate their needs and desires when it comes to sex. Not even when they’re engaged in long-term relationships.
However, women continue to be the ones who have a harder time expressing their sexual desires and needs. If you’re a part of that percentage of women who find it very challenging to speak up in the bedroom. Maybe that’s because your too concerned about your partner’s pleasure, you put yours in the back seat. Maybe you feel like if you please your partner very well, they will do the same for you. Or maybe you simply don’t like talking about sex.
These are very common reasons why women tend to keep their sexual desires to themselves. But however common it may be, it’s a mistake we need to correct. If we don’t, we risk settling for a mediocre sex life we don’t actually enjoy or deserve. So, how can you start communicating your needs and desires? Well, here are 7 great tips that will allow you to overcome the fear of asking for the kind of sex you deserve.
1. Become Familiar With Your Pleasure
This is very simple: if you don’t know what you like in the bedroom, you won’t be able to guide your partner. This is why you must be aware of your body’s pleasure map! And how do you that? Well, by playing with yourself. A lot!
The more comfortable you become with your body on your own, the easier it will be for you to explain what you like to your partner. Find your erogenous zones, discover what kind of touch you enjoy most, give sex toys a try, watch porn, read erotic books, explore your entire body, and open your mind to fantasy!
2. Don’t Be Ashamed of Anything You Like
What if you like things that are a little freaky or kinky? Does that mean you’re weird? Is it okay to ask your partner to do that for you? Yes, yes, and yes! The point of talking about what you like is owning it and being honest about it.
Of course, you shouldn’t pressure anyone into doing the things you like if they’re not into it. But you should be honest and not feel ashamed about it. If you don’t like something they like or vice versa, you can still find the middle ground and have fun while respecting each other’s boundaries. But that can’t happen if you’re not honest and open with each other.
3. Avoid Complaining
There’s a difference between asking for something and complaining about things. And you definitely don’t want to do the latter. Remember sex is tightly linked to one’s ego and identity, so don’t be critical about your partner’s moves and don’t complain about how they never please you. If you haven’t been forthcoming, that’s not their fault. Your pleasure is your responsibility, after all.
Start the conversation by saying, “I’d enjoy things more if you would do X” and go from there. You should also encourage them to do the same. The only way you can have a fulfilling sex life is through conversation. You need to sit down and find the things you can both enjoy together. Also, be open to new things!
4. Be Straightforward and Kind
Talking about sex can be challenging for many people, but the last thing you want to do is speak in riddles. When you’re talking about what you want in bed, you can’t rely on euphemisms or be shy about it. On the contrary, you need to be straightforward. Otherwise, you risk being misunderstood and that’s the opposite of what you want.
When you’re asking for something you want, you must be direct and clear, but also kind and respectful towards your partner. Ask for things respectfully and choose your words well so you’re not misinterpreted and feelings get hurt. I recommend you think about what you want to say and how you want to say it in advance. Also, be ready to talk in-depth about what you’re asking because they will be curious.
5. Don’t Bend
It’s important to consider your partner’s feelings and have their consent, but sometimes things don’t work out that way. If you truly can’t enjoy sex without whatever it is you’re asking, then you need to be honest with your partner and let them know that’s how it is. It’s okay to want things and a generous sexual partner will be open to trying new things to please you.
In the least, they should be open to negotiation. If they’re not, don’t bend your will for anyone. If they can’t give you what you want and they’re not open to finding other alternatives to please you, then you might want to rethink whether it’s worth it to be in such a one-sided sexual relationship.
6. Take Control
According to popular belief, women are not the ones in control in the bedroom. Well, we’re happy to tell you that this ancient misconception is completely untrue. This idea, as wrong and outdated as it may be, it’s still a part of our culture and upbringing. It’s a lot less present than before, but it’s still something that needs to be addressed.
If you’re the kind of woman who believes she has no control in the bedroom and you’re unhappy with that, then it’s time to let it go. If you do like being controlled in bed, that’s fine, as long as it’s consensual. But if that’s not the case for you, you need to take control. Approach your sex life with the drive and the appetite it deserves, don’t leave that to someone else!
7. Be a Generous Lover
If you want to have great sex, you need to give it. When you’re meeting a partner in such an intimate setting, you must go in with respect and willing to be a generous lover, which means being open to new things. It’s really that simple. The more generous you are, the more generous your partner will be in return. Just don’t expect them to guess what you want, come right out and say it. Trust me, speaking up will be 100% worth it!
