Tabuu Wrap-up: There are many people out there who are afraid of anal play and sex because they think it will hurt. The good news is it doesn’t have to be that way!
When I say “anal sex”, what’s the first thing that comes to mind? How mind-blowing it would be? The pleasure? The closeness? The intimacy? The orgasms? That’s probably not the case, but you should!
Of course, I understand where you’re coming from. If you’ve never tried it, have heard anal sex only mentioned in horrific scenarios, or watched porn, it’s normal to think it’s going to a literal pain in the ass.
That’s actually fair. I’m not going to lie to you here! Anal sex can hurt and we all need to be aware of that fact. However, that’s not to say anal play and anal sex don’t offer a ton of sexual potential that’s worth exploring as safely and comfortably as possible.
At the end of the day, just because it can hurt, it doesn’t mean it has to hurt! In fact, there are many ways to reduce that possibility almost entirely. It just takes a little research and a ton of relaxation.
Painless anal sex is not a fantasy or an oxymoron. It exists, it can be accomplished, and it’s truly incredible. If you’ve been fantasizing about anal sex and you want to make sure it’s a positive experience, here are 7 tips to help you have painless and 100% enjoyable anal sex!
1. Play With Yourself First
Only one person can determine whether anal play will be painless, and that’s you! If you’re curious about this and you want to give it a try, the best way to get into it is by playing with yourself first and exploring this on your own before you involve your partner and invite them to enter through the back door.
If you want to know what it feels to be touched back there, reach down while you’re masturbating and give it a go. It’s important you get a clear idea of what your anus feels like, the texture it has, and what it feels like when it’s stimulated. Doing this on your own will allow you to take as much time as you need, experience with speed and pressure, learn to relax, and learn what rhythm works best for you. It also allows you to get a sense of how far you’ll be willing to go.
Essentially, you must teach yourself! And no matter how much you trust your partner, you trust yourself more. Playing on your own first will allow you to prepare and eventually enjoy anal play a lot more than you would if you just jump into it right off the bat.
2. Communicate Openly About Anal
Once you’ve explored the lands of anal play on your own, you need to communicate openly with your partner so you can enjoy anal sex a lot better. Communication is a must not only before, but also during and after the fact.
Of course, spontaneous sex is amazing. But it comes to anal sex, you actually need to prepare and talk about it beforehand. Why? Because it can only be painless when everyone knows what to expect. Knowing you’ve spoken your mind and your partner respects that and understands what you need will help you relax, which is a MUST. Relaxation is one of the most important factors when it comes to painless anal sex, so it can’t be neglected. So don’t you dare!
Like I said, it’s not enough to just talk about it before and see where it goes. You need to check in as you’re going. As the receiver, it’s your responsibility to be vocal about what you like, what you don’t like, and what you want/need. Don’t be afraid to give directions! As the giver, it’s your responsibility to listen and to provide what they’re asking for. It doesn’t matter if the “flow” is broken because of it. In the end, it will make for a better experience.
3. Set the Stage for Anal Sex
Deciding to give anal sex a try requires a lot of factors, not to mention what you need to do to make sure there’s no pain. In fact, if you have even the tiniest of doubts, your best option is to say “not today” and engage in a different kind of play until you’re 100% ready. Often, the term “uptight” is used in a derogatory way to refer to people who aren’t laid back.
But when it comes to anal sex, being uptight can be a serious problem. So, if you’re uptight because you have doubts or you’re feeling anxious and you can’t get over that, it’s guaranteed you’ll have a bad experience.
The more tense your body is, the more painful anal sex will be. That’s why relaxing is absolutely essential. Because it’s so essential to having a positive anal experience, you need to set the stage. How? Well, paying attention to foreplay is a great way to do that. So, start things out slowly. How about a long massage that will lead to complete relaxation? Not to mention a back massage will allow you to tease your partner.
Rub away their worries and anxieties about trying this new, sometimes scary thing. Help them focus on their breathing, tease them, kiss them, caress them, make them feel good. This is an absolute must. The more relaxed and turned on your partner is before you start with anal play, the better. And when you start, do it slowly. Baby steps!
4. Sensuality Is Key
During your research (wink, wink) you’ll watch a lot of porn. Soon enough, you will become aware of a trend in the way anal is depicted. Anal sex is always angry, as in rough and hard, and also incredibly fast. That makes sense in porn because it’s all about putting on a show.
Porn can be great and there are many positives to it, but when it comes to anal sex, it hasn’t done a good job of diminishing people’s fear of it. If what you see in porn is your only reference of anal sex, it’s perfectly understandably to run away from it.
But if you still have a strong interest in it, the best thing you can do to start preparing for it is to unlearn everything you’ve learned from porn on the matter. I would even say you should stop watching, but if it’s still enjoyable to do so, just learn to separate what’s fantasy from reality.
What you want to do is focus on the sensuality of anal sex. For example, having a hot, steamy shower together can bring sensuality into your experience. It’s not only a great way to engage in foreplay, but it will also eliminate the worry of cleanliness. This is another common reason why people shy away from anal sex even if they’d like to give it a try. However, you can deal with that in the shower or by getting an anal douche.
Of course, bringing sensuality to anal sex can be done in many different ways. It’s completely up to you! Just do whatever it is you need to do to really fall in love with it so you can relax and enjoy it well.
5. Lubrication Can Never Be Missing
There are a lot of essentials to pleasurable anal sex, but none is more important than lubrication. Really, lube is your best friend no matter what you’re doing, but especially when you’re engaging in anal play of any kind. Whether with a sex toy or a partner. The anus doesn’t produce natural lubrication, so lube is not only necessary, it’s mandatory. If you try anal penetration without lube, there are greater chances not only of experiencing pain, but also anal tearing.
When it comes to choosing the right lubricant for you, it’s important you become familiar with the types of lubes available. You have water-based lubes, silicone-based lubes, hybrid lubes (a mix of water and silicone-based), and oil-based lubes. Which one you like best will be up to what works best for you, your partner, and your purposes. Just keep in mind that silicone-based lubes may damage silicone toys and oil-based lubes are not safe for internal play and they can also damage condoms.
6. Mind the Size
When we speak about size as related to sex, we often say it doesn’t matter. But when we speak about size as related to anal sex, that’s another story. Size does matter. 100%. One of the most common causes of pain during anal is playing with something, whether that’s a sex toy or a penis, that you’re not ready for.
Even at the height of arousal, you need to keep your expectations very realistic when it comes to what you can put inside you. If it’s your first time, you need to start small. At first, you may not even be able to insert anything at all. Instead, focus on sensations around your anus and become comfortable with that before you move onto fingering, playing with sex toys, penetration, deep penetration, etc.
The point of doing this is teaching your body to associate positive and pleasurable sensations with anal play. So, if you do experience some discomfort at some point, you can always remember it’s actually good. You just need to take your time.
When you’re ready to insert something in your anus, make sure to start small. Go for the pinky finger first, then you can move onto other fingers, then maybe anal beads, butt plugs, vibrators, and more. It’s definitely a process, and you need to go through it. There are no shortcuts and there shouldn’t be! Enjoy every stage of it. In the end, it will make the experience a million times better.
7. Go Slow, There’s Absolutely No Rush!
Last but not least, the best advice anyone can give you about anal sex is to take it slow. Like, really. Take. Your. Sweet. Time. In the heat of the moment, we often rush through the things that are meant to be most enjoyable and pleasurable. Learn not to be that way! Slow things down, especially when it comes to anal, because it will reduce the risk of pain tremendously. Whatever the case, anal is not something you do quickly, so keep your excitement in check.
When anal penetration is the final goal of your sexual adventure, whether you’ll be using your fingers, a sex toy, or a penis, what matters most is you find a good position for it. You want to be comfortable and you also want to maximize practicality as much as possible. Many different positions can help you do that and we have a whole article about that, so don’t hesitate to check it out!
The best positions when you want to avoid pain during anal penetration are spooning, because penetration is not deep and you can enjoy other kinds of stimulation at the same time and being on top. When you’re on top, you will be able to control the depth and the speed of the penetration, which is particularly great for beginners.
If at any point you feel any kind of discomfort during anal penetration, stop, relax, focus on good sensations, and give it another shot. If it’s absolutely not working, then try it another time. Whatever you do, don’t force yourself. If it feels anything but good, just stop. Try to work through it, but if you still feel discomfort or pain, don’t force it. Listen to your body and respect it, which is also something your partner should learn to do.
All the ideas I’m providing here today are great and they work for many people, just don’t be shocked if they don’t all work for you. We all have different bodies and we react to things very differently. To find what works for you, you must experiment and I hope today’s suggestions can serve as a starting point!