Tabuu Wrap-up: Negotiation is what makes things safe when you’re engaged in a scene, so make sure you and your partner negotiate every time!


My first negotiation with my partner made me extremely nervous. More nervous than I’d ever been since we started doing scenes. At first, I thought I was making too much of a fuzz. After all, he only wanted me to spank him. The thing is I’d never dominated anyone before, but you never can be too careful when you’re working with someone.

Even if they’re asking for it, you should always be 100% certain what’s in everyone’s best interest. What if he’s not in a good mood and the spanking triggers him? What if he’s not up for it? What if he has a skin condition? You’d be surprised at how a simple scene can be so emotional for someone, which is why everything must be addressed beforehand.

Negotiation should always take place before a kinky play scene. It consists of sitting down with your partner and discussing not only what they want, but also what they don’t want. Conditions and boundaries should also be determined and respected.

You’d be surprised at how many people skip this part of the process, and it’s a very important one. Now, it doesn’t matter if you’re in a committed BDSM relationship or if you’re engaging in a scene with someone you just met. Negotiation must never be skipped, no matter how long you’ve known your partner or how simple the scene will be.

Most people don’t negotiate spanking or simple things like that. However, it can’t be stressed enough how important negotiation is for everyone involved. To help you with it, today we’ll discuss 3 tips that will guide your negotiation so it can be successful and effortless!

1. Do It Every Single Time

Negotiation should never be skipped. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known your partner or how well you think you know your boundaries and vice versa. It doesn’t matter how well you know each other and what you like, negotiation is always a must. People and circumstances change every day.

Sometimes we’re struggling with things under the surface and we don’t know what could be harmful to either of you, no matter how many things you’ve done it before. How long negotiation can last will depend on different factors. You might only need up to 10 minutes to do a simple check if you already know each other well. If you’re just starting, negotiation can last a whole hour or more.

2. Negotiate Your Heart Out

When you negotiate with your partner, there are many questions to ask. The first questions should be focused on their likes and dislikes. What do they like? Being tied up? If yes, how do they like to be tied up? Do they prefer handcuffs? Or perhaps something softer, such as a scarf or a tie.

Once you have a clear understanding of their preferences, move on to figure out what they definitely don’t want to happen. Having a good idea of your partner’s boundaries is essential because you don’t want to cross the line. And you don’t want them to cross the line with you either. If someone doesn’t respect your limits, they’re disrespecting your consent, so stop playing with them.

To keep with this, you must have safewords and never forget them. Safewords are meant to get your partner to slow things down or stop entirely. The safeword should be simple and easy to remember, but also easy to recognize. It’s recommended to have a green, yellow and red system you can agree on.

If you’re with someone who is new to scenes, whether as a dominant or a submissive, you want to avoid introducing them to floggers and whips. Even if they express curiosity about more advanced things, you want to start small and go from there. Some of the more advanced activities require practice and expertise, which is not something you can do from the get-go.

Once you’re completely aware of their limitations, it’s time to discuss any mental or medical problems they may have. For example, if they have a heart condition, electro play is out of the question. If they’re taking medication, make sure you keep it handy in case anything happens. If they have emotional boundaries, it’s important you’re aware of them so you can develop a more intimate relationship. Not to mention it will make you feel more comfortable.

3. Determine the Necessary Aftercare

Last but not least, determining the necessary aftercare is one of the most important aspects of negotiation. You need to discuss how your partner wants to be taken care of once the scene ends. Some people just like to get a bottle of water and plush blankets at hand. Others need to be held, hugged, or cuddled.

Whatever they need, you need to be able to provide it. You can’t leave a submissive floating around, feeling vulnerable when the scene is done. Aftercare is all about grounding your submissive and bringing them back to reality. It’s also meant to show them how much you care for them. If you fail to provide your submissive with aftercare, they will feel angry, used, and confused.

After the scene, you should also give your submissive a call the day after to talk about how you both feel. It’s also a good idea to go on a date, maybe grab a bite. Following up is essential, not just for your submissive, but also for yourself. If you don’t do this, trust and respect will be compromised. Following up is a matter of decency, so don’t skip it for anything. Even a text will do if you don’t have the time to call or have a date, but schedule that for when it’s possible.

By keeping all this in mind, you will be able to have a more enjoyable, pleasurable, safe, and successful scene. Having a deep understanding of everyone’s needs, boundaries, and desires is very important. When it comes to sharing a scene with someone, safety is the most important thing and it’s key to a long-lasting BDSM relationship.

We hope today’s article helps you realize just how essential negotiation is in a BDSM relationship. But not only that, we hope these tips can help you do it right so you can have a truly exciting, pleasurable, enjoyable, and safe scene. Consent is one of the pillars of BDSM, and that can’t happen if you’re not aware of each other’s likes, dislikes, boundaries, and limitations. Never neglect such an important aspect of a BDSM relationship! Otherwise, things won’t work out safely.

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